Well, this wasn't planned...

I have a post in my drafts that I was working on a couple of days ago and would probably have published tonite, but I got a bit of news today that sparked something and now, I have something else to get off my chest.

I have to start by saying: I am a good person. That is less to establish it for anyone else than it is a Stewart Smalley sort of self-affirmation. People have actually said this (to my face even), but I really need to tell it to myself right now. I have made mistakes in my life. Who hasn't? I will say that although some of them were less than becoming, none of them were truly hurtful in the grand scheme of things. The closest I came to that was about 11-ish years ago. The odd thing is, I know people who have done worse. And somehow, it seems to never back up on them. At least not that I can see...but then I wear no one's shoes but my own.

Let me pause to apologize for the cryptic nature of my writing. While specifics would be easier to write (it's surprisingly difficult talking about something without talking about it), it wouldn't make me feel better, and anyway, the specifics could potentially hurt someone. The purpose of this is for ME to write for myself and get things off my chest, not to cause anyone else harm.

I made a poor decision once. Followed my heart (and hormones) someplace I shouldn't have. At the time, I let myself believe (and be led to believe) that it wasn't so terrible. I now realize that I should have listened to the alarm bells that were going off and that finally got my attention, but not before I messed up...royally.

I KNOW I made a mistake. It's not really something one can apologize for...especially in light of the fact that I wasn't alone. But I do feel bad about it. But, it was 10 years ago and as if it was some sort of cosmic joke on me, it keeps coming back to haunt me. Not in a "I did something bad and now I feel guilty" way; although this and other incidents involve that too...but in a very real physical "gets thrown in my face every couple of years" kind of way.

I made peace with myself about it a long time ago, realizing my mistake, and through no effort of my own, wound up with some very understanding friends and family who supported me the first time the situation came back to bite me in the ass...about two years after the initial incident. I tried to make amends last year, and had it blow up in my face. Please understand that I don't exepct everyone to be happy about the situation no matter how many times I say I'm sorry. I just didn't expect THAT.

But what brings me to write this NOW and not last year at my previous encounter with this situation? Just when I thought that it had finally resolved (not in a way of my choosing, but resolved)...I find out that I will come face to face with it at my impending reunion. Yes, THAT is the cause of this frustration. As if I wasn't nervous enough to go to see a bunch of people who I haven't seen in 20 years and who all have accomplished amazing things, it now has the feeling of impending doom.

Ugh. Maybe a piano will fall on me before then.

Life has a Funny way of Happening

Today I am in a funk. Why? I have been on a roller-coaster ride of emotions for the past 6 years or so, so it's not an entirely unfamiliar feeling, but one that I can never seem to get my head around.

It started out when I found out I was prego and had an uncertain future with my significant other. That resolved itself...mostly...but then post-partum set in and all the minor brushes with depression I had experienced over the course of my life suddenly came to the forefront of my awareness in full living color. Then everything that I had come to count on in life seemed to be much more uncertain. And I no longer was the relatively happy person that a lot of friends considered, "just a really nice person". I made some pretty stupid mistakes in life (who hasn't?) some of which were relatively minor school age antics that I now look back on and cringe but I also realize did no lasting damage to anyone but maybe myself (sorry Anna). Others of which continue to haunt me to this day...and not in a figurative "in-my-painful-memories" sense but in a "still-affecting-my-current-existence" kind of way. However, that is all fodder for another post...maybe.

It all leads me here, wondering why I am in this funk. The gist doesn't change much. The seemingly unrelated content of the previous paragraph plays a HUGE part in it. I guess today, what got me going was thinking about friends past, present, and of course future. I signed up for facebook and as I mentioned in a previous post, found people I haven't talked to in years...people from high school and amazingly many from even before that. I lived back east for my pre-teens and early teens. I had some great friends that I had to leave when I moved back to CA. Some of which I kept in touch with, but many I didn't. Same with High School, Junior College, etc. That's all pretty normal...I know few people that didn't lose touch at one time or another with someone that they wish they hadn't.