So, two years ago, I wrote about my impending reunion. It was actually quite nice. I got to see a lot of people I wanted to. More than I expected even. One person that I always wondered about after High School was Sam. We had a couple of mutual friends, and I heard the occasional update, but not many. We ran in completely different circles and I was pretty oblivious in high school to a lot of goings on. I am very glad I got to see him and catch up a little bit.
I was thrilled to see most of them and even still keep in touch with a few. As I have said, hooray for Facebook...although I will say that I wish I was better about keeping up outside of FB because FB is very impersonal. But that's another post...or at least another paragraph. I guess I am mainly trying to say in regards to the reunion that it was nice to see almost everyone. I thought it was really funny that some of the assholes are still assholes. But really, if they are going to continue to be jerks and were jerks then, too bad. I have no use for people like that in my life. Some few people grew up (I managed not to...I still feel like a teenager sometimes...even at 41.)
Let's see what happens for 25 years...and even 30.
The two men in my life...
From Halloween...N gave up on the costume early!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Monday, July 20, 2009
Well, this wasn't planned...
I have a post in my drafts that I was working on a couple of days ago and would probably have published tonite, but I got a bit of news today that sparked something and now, I have something else to get off my chest.
I have to start by saying: I am a good person. That is less to establish it for anyone else than it is a Stewart Smalley sort of self-affirmation. People have actually said this (to my face even), but I really need to tell it to myself right now. I have made mistakes in my life. Who hasn't? I will say that although some of them were less than becoming, none of them were truly hurtful in the grand scheme of things. The closest I came to that was about 11-ish years ago. The odd thing is, I know people who have done worse. And somehow, it seems to never back up on them. At least not that I can see...but then I wear no one's shoes but my own.
Let me pause to apologize for the cryptic nature of my writing. While specifics would be easier to write (it's surprisingly difficult talking about something without talking about it), it wouldn't make me feel better, and anyway, the specifics could potentially hurt someone. The purpose of this is for ME to write for myself and get things off my chest, not to cause anyone else harm.
I made a poor decision once. Followed my heart (and hormones) someplace I shouldn't have. At the time, I let myself believe (and be led to believe) that it wasn't so terrible. I now realize that I should have listened to the alarm bells that were going off and that finally got my attention, but not before I messed up...royally.
I KNOW I made a mistake. It's not really something one can apologize for...especially in light of the fact that I wasn't alone. But I do feel bad about it. But, it was 10 years ago and as if it was some sort of cosmic joke on me, it keeps coming back to haunt me. Not in a "I did something bad and now I feel guilty" way; although this and other incidents involve that too...but in a very real physical "gets thrown in my face every couple of years" kind of way.
I made peace with myself about it a long time ago, realizing my mistake, and through no effort of my own, wound up with some very understanding friends and family who supported me the first time the situation came back to bite me in the ass...about two years after the initial incident. I tried to make amends last year, and had it blow up in my face. Please understand that I don't exepct everyone to be happy about the situation no matter how many times I say I'm sorry. I just didn't expect THAT.
But what brings me to write this NOW and not last year at my previous encounter with this situation? Just when I thought that it had finally resolved (not in a way of my choosing, but resolved)...I find out that I will come face to face with it at my impending reunion. Yes, THAT is the cause of this frustration. As if I wasn't nervous enough to go to see a bunch of people who I haven't seen in 20 years and who all have accomplished amazing things, it now has the feeling of impending doom.
Ugh. Maybe a piano will fall on me before then.
I have to start by saying: I am a good person. That is less to establish it for anyone else than it is a Stewart Smalley sort of self-affirmation. People have actually said this (to my face even), but I really need to tell it to myself right now. I have made mistakes in my life. Who hasn't? I will say that although some of them were less than becoming, none of them were truly hurtful in the grand scheme of things. The closest I came to that was about 11-ish years ago. The odd thing is, I know people who have done worse. And somehow, it seems to never back up on them. At least not that I can see...but then I wear no one's shoes but my own.
Let me pause to apologize for the cryptic nature of my writing. While specifics would be easier to write (it's surprisingly difficult talking about something without talking about it), it wouldn't make me feel better, and anyway, the specifics could potentially hurt someone. The purpose of this is for ME to write for myself and get things off my chest, not to cause anyone else harm.
I made a poor decision once. Followed my heart (and hormones) someplace I shouldn't have. At the time, I let myself believe (and be led to believe) that it wasn't so terrible. I now realize that I should have listened to the alarm bells that were going off and that finally got my attention, but not before I messed up...royally.
I KNOW I made a mistake. It's not really something one can apologize for...especially in light of the fact that I wasn't alone. But I do feel bad about it. But, it was 10 years ago and as if it was some sort of cosmic joke on me, it keeps coming back to haunt me. Not in a "I did something bad and now I feel guilty" way; although this and other incidents involve that too...but in a very real physical "gets thrown in my face every couple of years" kind of way.
I made peace with myself about it a long time ago, realizing my mistake, and through no effort of my own, wound up with some very understanding friends and family who supported me the first time the situation came back to bite me in the ass...about two years after the initial incident. I tried to make amends last year, and had it blow up in my face. Please understand that I don't exepct everyone to be happy about the situation no matter how many times I say I'm sorry. I just didn't expect THAT.
But what brings me to write this NOW and not last year at my previous encounter with this situation? Just when I thought that it had finally resolved (not in a way of my choosing, but resolved)...I find out that I will come face to face with it at my impending reunion. Yes, THAT is the cause of this frustration. As if I wasn't nervous enough to go to see a bunch of people who I haven't seen in 20 years and who all have accomplished amazing things, it now has the feeling of impending doom.
Ugh. Maybe a piano will fall on me before then.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Life has a Funny way of Happening
Today I am in a funk. Why? I have been on a roller-coaster ride of emotions for the past 6 years or so, so it's not an entirely unfamiliar feeling, but one that I can never seem to get my head around.
It started out when I found out I was prego and had an uncertain future with my significant other. That resolved itself...mostly...but then post-partum set in and all the minor brushes with depression I had experienced over the course of my life suddenly came to the forefront of my awareness in full living color. Then everything that I had come to count on in life seemed to be much more uncertain. And I no longer was the relatively happy person that a lot of friends considered, "just a really nice person". I made some pretty stupid mistakes in life (who hasn't?) some of which were relatively minor school age antics that I now look back on and cringe but I also realize did no lasting damage to anyone but maybe myself (sorry Anna). Others of which continue to haunt me to this day...and not in a figurative "in-my-painful-memories" sense but in a "still-affecting-my-current-existence" kind of way. However, that is all fodder for another post...maybe.
It all leads me here, wondering why I am in this funk. The gist doesn't change much. The seemingly unrelated content of the previous paragraph plays a HUGE part in it. I guess today, what got me going was thinking about friends past, present, and of course future. I signed up for facebook and as I mentioned in a previous post, found people I haven't talked to in years...people from high school and amazingly many from even before that. I lived back east for my pre-teens and early teens. I had some great friends that I had to leave when I moved back to CA. Some of which I kept in touch with, but many I didn't. Same with High School, Junior College, etc. That's all pretty normal...I know few people that didn't lose touch at one time or another with someone that they wish they hadn't.
It started out when I found out I was prego and had an uncertain future with my significant other. That resolved itself...mostly...but then post-partum set in and all the minor brushes with depression I had experienced over the course of my life suddenly came to the forefront of my awareness in full living color. Then everything that I had come to count on in life seemed to be much more uncertain. And I no longer was the relatively happy person that a lot of friends considered, "just a really nice person". I made some pretty stupid mistakes in life (who hasn't?) some of which were relatively minor school age antics that I now look back on and cringe but I also realize did no lasting damage to anyone but maybe myself (sorry Anna). Others of which continue to haunt me to this day...and not in a figurative "in-my-painful-memories" sense but in a "still-affecting-my-current-existence" kind of way. However, that is all fodder for another post...maybe.
It all leads me here, wondering why I am in this funk. The gist doesn't change much. The seemingly unrelated content of the previous paragraph plays a HUGE part in it. I guess today, what got me going was thinking about friends past, present, and of course future. I signed up for facebook and as I mentioned in a previous post, found people I haven't talked to in years...people from high school and amazingly many from even before that. I lived back east for my pre-teens and early teens. I had some great friends that I had to leave when I moved back to CA. Some of which I kept in touch with, but many I didn't. Same with High School, Junior College, etc. That's all pretty normal...I know few people that didn't lose touch at one time or another with someone that they wish they hadn't.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Insomnia
I rarely get insomnia. Hell, anyone who knows me knows that I can and will sleep for 12 hours if given the opportunity... but I rarely am with a 5-year-old in the house.
So here I am, at 12:44 am on Monday morning before returning to work, on the computer and blogging (another thing I rarely do). Mondays at work are rough because I have a lot of meetings. It looks like tomorrow will be especially hard to keep my eyes open. Luckily, since I have changed my schedule, I go in earlier and my day seems to go by much faster...amazing how that happens when you don't have to wait until 5 or later to leave work!
So, what shall I write about? I have taken to writing down subjects that I think of in the car, at my desk at work, or other times I am not able to get to my blog, in order to eventually get the mental rant down into text. How many of these subjects have made it? Ummmmmmm, none. Because I tend to leave the notebook in the car...and because it is almost 1 in the morning, I can't remember a dang one of them! LOL Ah well.
On the bright side, I have caught up on my website maintenance, as well as a an old HS friend's blog. I guess insomnia can be good for something.
So here I am, at 12:44 am on Monday morning before returning to work, on the computer and blogging (another thing I rarely do). Mondays at work are rough because I have a lot of meetings. It looks like tomorrow will be especially hard to keep my eyes open. Luckily, since I have changed my schedule, I go in earlier and my day seems to go by much faster...amazing how that happens when you don't have to wait until 5 or later to leave work!
So, what shall I write about? I have taken to writing down subjects that I think of in the car, at my desk at work, or other times I am not able to get to my blog, in order to eventually get the mental rant down into text. How many of these subjects have made it? Ummmmmmm, none. Because I tend to leave the notebook in the car...and because it is almost 1 in the morning, I can't remember a dang one of them! LOL Ah well.
On the bright side, I have caught up on my website maintenance, as well as a an old HS friend's blog. I guess insomnia can be good for something.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Dreams...part two...
I wrote a while ago about a dream I had had. The really weird thing is, I actually connected with someone from that time I was talking about. Not the same person, but still someone from that same 5 year time period where I lived in that same small town. Bizarre coincidence! LOL
But I have to say, "HOORAY for Facebook!" I am not really good at keeping up with social networking sites, but I have found several people from my past that I am thrilled to have gotten back in touch with (even if I am pretty sucky at regular communication!) and I wouldn't have been able to do it without that silly Facebook site. Now, I do have one friend that said something to the effect of asking me if it was worth it to lower myself to the level of a tween-age girl to find people that I haven't talked to in twenty years or more. I have to say yes. I am happy to have found them and since I didn't have to compromise my morals or anything to do so, all the better!
But I have to say, "HOORAY for Facebook!" I am not really good at keeping up with social networking sites, but I have found several people from my past that I am thrilled to have gotten back in touch with (even if I am pretty sucky at regular communication!) and I wouldn't have been able to do it without that silly Facebook site. Now, I do have one friend that said something to the effect of asking me if it was worth it to lower myself to the level of a tween-age girl to find people that I haven't talked to in twenty years or more. I have to say yes. I am happy to have found them and since I didn't have to compromise my morals or anything to do so, all the better!
A new start...
I think this will be my last new start...I have re-started a couple of times and I will probably end up forgetting I actually have a blog...again. Then re-starting...again. So I say, this is it and I will enjoy it when I do it and if you are bored looking at the same blurb becasue I haven't written in ages (like anyone reads this but me...) oh well. You'll just have to wait! :)
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Dreams
What do dreams show? Sometimes my dreams are pretty obvious to me...Like when I dream about my biological father. We had a bad falling out ten years ago and I know when I dream about him it means I have unresolved issues with him. No brainer there... But last night I dreamed about someone I haven't seen in literally 20-plus years and about the small town I lived in for 5 years and where I knew her. The dream involved us wandering around the town and discovering all the changes that had occured since I left. Including a walking tour of the high school I attended for a year, which, as dreams go, was very surreal in it's "new" appearance. So what does it mean? Do I go to lengths to try and look this person up? Join Classmates.com to try and root her out? Go on a pilgrimage to my old hometown? I don't know if I will do any of those things, but I guess it's fun to think about.
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