Tonja...and other things.

Well, this wasn't planned...

2009-07-20T23:35:00.000-07:00

I have a post in my drafts that I was working on a couple of days ago and would probably have published tonite, but I got a bit of news today that sparked something and now, I have something else to get off my chest.

I have to start by saying: I am a good person. That is less to establish it for anyone else than it is a Stewart Smalley sort of self-affirmation. People have actually said this (to my face even), but I really need to tell it to myself right now. I have made mistakes in my life. Who hasn't? I will say that although some of them were less than becoming, none of them were truly hurtful in the grand scheme of things. The closest I came to that was about 11-ish years ago. The odd thing is, I know people who have done worse. And somehow, it seems to never back up on them. At least not that I can see...but then I wear no one's shoes but my own.

Let me pause to apologize for the cryptic nature of my writing. While specifics would be easier to write (it's surprisingly difficult talking about something without talking about it), it wouldn't make me feel better, and anyway, the specifics could potentially hurt someone. The purpose of this is for ME to write for myself and get things off my chest, not to cause anyone else harm.

I made a poor decision once. Followed my heart (and hormones) someplace I shouldn't have. At the time, I let myself believe (and be led to believe) that it wasn't so terrible. I now realize that I should have listened to the alarm bells that were going off and that finally got my attention, but not before I messed up...royally.

I KNOW I made a mistake. It's not really something one can apologize for...especially in light of the fact that I wasn't alone. But I do feel bad about it. But, it was 10 years ago and as if it was some sort of cosmic joke on me, it keeps coming back to haunt me. Not in a "I did something bad and now I feel guilty" way; although this and other incidents involve that too...but in a very real physical "gets thrown in my face every couple of years" kind of way.

I made peace with myself about it a long time ago, realizing my mistake, and through no effort of my own, wound up with some very understanding friends and family who supported me the first time the situation came back to bite me in the ass...about two years after the initial incident. I tried to make amends last year, and had it blow up in my face. Please understand that I don't exepct everyone to be happy about the situation no matter how many times I say I'm sorry. I just didn't expect THAT.

But what brings me to write this NOW and not last year at my previous encounter with this situation? Just when I thought that it had finally resolved (not in a way of my choosing, but resolved)...I find out that I will come face to face with it at my impending reunion. Yes, THAT is the cause of this frustration. As if I wasn't nervous enough to go to see a bunch of people who I haven't seen in 20 years and who all have accomplished amazing things, it now has the feeling of impending doom.

Ugh. Maybe a piano will fall on me before then.

Insomnia

2008-12-08T00:42:00.000-08:00

I rarely get insomnia. Hell, anyone who knows me knows that I can and will sleep for 12 hours if given the opportunity... but I rarely am with a 5-year-old in the house.

So here I am, at 12:44 am on Monday morning before returning to work, on the computer and blogging (another thing I rarely do). Mondays at work are rough because I have a lot of meetings. It looks like tomorrow will be especially hard to keep my eyes open. Luckily, since I have changed my schedule, I go in earlier and my day seems to go by much faster...amazing how that happens when you don't have to wait until 5 or later to leave work!

So, what shall I write about? I have taken to writing down subjects that I think of in the car, at my desk at work, or other times I am not able to get to my blog, in order to eventually get the mental rant down into text. How many of these subjects have made it? Ummmmmmm, none. Because I tend to leave the notebook in the car...and because it is almost 1 in the morning, I can't remember a dang one of them! LOL Ah well.

On the bright side, I have caught up on my website maintenance, as well as a an old HS friend's blog. I guess insomnia can be good for something.

Dreams...part two...

2008-09-08T16:35:00.000-07:00

I wrote a while ago about a dream I had had. The really weird thing is, I actually connected with someone from that time I was talking about. Not the same person, but still someone from that same 5 year time period where I lived in that same small town. Bizarre coincidence! LOL

But I have to say, "HOORAY for Facebook!" I am not really good at keeping up with social networking sites, but I have found several people from my past that I am thrilled to have gotten back in touch with (even if I am pretty sucky at regular communication!) and I wouldn't have been able to do it without that silly Facebook site. Now, I do have one friend that said something to the effect of asking me if it was worth it to lower myself to the level of a tween-age girl to find people that I haven't talked to in twenty years or more. I have to say yes. I am happy to have found them and since I didn't have to compromise my morals or anything to do so, all the better!

A new start...

2008-09-08T16:31:00.000-07:00

I think this will be my last new start...I have re-started a couple of times and I will probably end up forgetting I actually have a blog...again. Then re-starting...again. So I say, this is it and I will enjoy it when I do it and if you are bored looking at the same blurb becasue I haven't written in ages (like anyone reads this but me...) oh well. You'll just have to wait! :)

Dreams

2008-04-05T13:59:00.000-07:00

What do dreams show? Sometimes my dreams are pretty obvious to me...Like when I dream about my biological father. We had a bad falling out ten years ago and I know when I dream about him it means I have unresolved issues with him. No brainer there... But last night I dreamed about someone I haven't seen in literally 20-plus years and about the small town I lived in for 5 years and where I knew her. The dream involved us wandering around the town and discovering all the changes that had occured since I left. Including a walking tour of the high school I attended for a year, which, as dreams go, was very surreal in it's "new" appearance. So what does it mean? Do I go to lengths to try and look this person up? Join Classmates.com to try and root her out? Go on a pilgrimage to my old hometown? I don't know if I will do any of those things, but I guess it's fun to think about.

HAHAHA So much for regularity...

2008-04-05T13:57:00.000-07:00

I am always thinking of things to say but I think of them as I drive down the road and can't write them down at that moment and by the time I get to my computer (either work or home) I have forgotten everything except for the urge to vent. Oh well...maybe I just need to get on here every day and post about my life and see if it triggers something.

Attempt #2...

2007-08-08T16:31:00.000-07:00

I am back for another try at this. I deleted a blog that I had for almost a year, and looking back, I probably should have kept those posts and re-posted them, but oh well...I was being pissy that day. It will most likely not be regular (the aforementioned blog sat for at least half of that year) but I will try and keep it up this time even if it isn't really regular.

I don't know why I try this...I suck at writing, but hopefully if I treat it as a journal, it'll be okay. You are the ones who have to suffer through it...LOL.

See you soon!